Where To?

It's one of those nights where I feel contemplative and I feel like I need to write something, but I don't really have a focus or even a reason for writing. I love these times. They are hard most of the time, but so good. This is when everything tries to assemble itself into some sense. You see things, the whole of them, not just the view you get when you are in the moment, but sort of a bird's eye view on your life. Which oftentimes is not a pleasant experience. You see all that you have done wrong. You feel everything you have been trying to avoid feeling. But the thing is, that is when you work through them.

Right now the state of my contemplation is this overall confusion. It seems as though there is a tug of war going on in a lot of areas in my life. Usually I can make sense of things like this, but for some reason I cannot right now. I am usually very good at seeing what is right and what is simply my desire and usually it is a case of whether or not I want to do what is right, but right now I don't know. There are no clear cut answers for the problems I am facing (well there aren't any I can see), neither side is wrong or necessarily unwise. I just need some direction. I have never felt this aimless before. I have always had a goal for my future. I have always known or thought I'd known what it is God has for me. So it is completely terrifying to not know now. I don't think it has really hit me before. My future life has seemed so far away, but now it is so close. I have choices that need to be made very soon, and I don't know how to make them.

And sometimes I put on this face. I talk about how I'm at peace with it because I know God will lead me, but I am not at peace at all. The only "peace" I have experienced is that I have just ignored really thinking about it. God, what do you want for me? I want to know so badly.

My head keeps telling me to stop being scared because I know you will take care of me, but my heart isn't listening. God, I am so confused. Every path that I could take has these obstacles. Should I strive to overcome them or should I look for the one that seems most open thinking that is your providence? Or maybe that is just the easiest way out. I have this passion in my heart, but is it your guidance or only my emotions? And what does that passion even mean? Is my interpretation of that passion true?

My past experiences and heartaches seem to point in one direction, but is that only sticking with what I know, with what is comfortable? Or is it your hand using my story to guide me to what you want? All of the people I trust have given me different answers. God, only you can show me what you want. So please do. This is me confessing my ineptitude at running my own life. As much as I love being independent, and as much as my culture tells me that that is a virtue worthy to be praised and pursued, I can't go my own way. I need you. So God take it, take all of me and please do something with it. And please show me what that something is, and show me how to get there.

Now I feel like this spoiled little kid who demands things she has no right to demand. I mean, who am I that I ask to know the plans of God? Who am I to be so impatient? But then again ask and you will be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. I don't even know if I should feel the way I feel. But I know that you love me, and that the worst you will do is say no. I do not fear revenge at your hand for being impatient or impertinent if that is what I truly am. You may give me correction which may not be pleasant, but I welcome it because I know that you love me and I know that is guidance.

So I guess the conclusion of all this mess is simply that I ask you to guide me one way or another. Sometimes I hate that I have to trust you so much, but I guess I love it too because I know its good for me. Its basically like eating vegetables. And I digress. So, I love you, my heart. And I hope this is goodnight because I am very tired.

Love, Ashley

The Truth About Love

Real love is a choice. It is every day choosing to care for someone. Love is caring for someone even when they break your heart. It is being faithful to them even when they are not faithful to you. It is being honest even when they lie to your face. It is accepting them even when they completely reject you. It is loving even when they hate you. It is sacrificing all your anger, all of your hurt, all of your pain in order to give yourself for someone else. When you really love someone, you are not just in it for the good stuff. That is not love. It being there in the crappy stuff. It is loving them even when you are underappreciated and undervalued. It is being willing to be utterly miserable because of them and not giving up. That is when real love lives.

But let me tell you what love is not. It is not attraction. You cannot “fall” in love. Love cannot be explained solely by hormones and chemicals. Love is not that butterfly feeling in your stomach (although that is a part of it sometimes). Real love is proved when it seems the butterflies are dead. It is absolutely not even logical.

Who would purposefully let themselves be hurt for the sake of someone else? Who would sacrifice for no apparent benefit? Love would. And personally, I would rather not have someone “fall in love” with me. I would rather not be loved out of some sort of weakness. For example, they cannot help but love me. I want someone to choose me because they think I am worth it. Not because I’m pretty. Not because I’m talented. Not because I’m smart. And certainly not because I make them feel good. Because there are so many times when I am not those things.

Of course, love is absolutely incredible when everything is going good, and I am not saying you cannot love someone if you have not gone through struggles. However, when struggles do come, I want someone I can count on. I want someone who is going to stick around even when I put them through hell. I want to know that no matter what, they will always love me.

So I am going to be that person. I am determined that no amount of pain is going to stop me. No amount of rejection, no amount of lying, no amount of suckiness is going to make me stop loving. Because He loved me like that. And with His strength, I can do it too.

P.S. I realize this is very impassioned. I realize it may have some stronger language. However, I think that a matter of this importance calls for it.

Also, I want to say that I am not talking about romantic love. That’s what a lot of people tend to assume is real love. I am talking about every form of love, every kind of relationship- parent and child, brother and sister, friends, in addition to husband and wife.

The End

Lament

Dearest Father how we need you. We are a people of unclean lips. We wander around desperately seeking a means to escape the destruction our hands have wrought. We have no idea who we are or who we should be. All we know is hurt. We cannot bear the consequences. Children despising their parents. Wives hating their husbands. Widows tossed aside, and the elderly forsaken in a hospital room. Babies killed by their own mothers. The poor get poorer, the corrupt more corrupted. Nothing is untouched by the unforgiving hand of brokenness. Our obstinance has carried a price we cannot pay. We beg you, sovereign Lord, come and rescue us. We cannot wait for your kingdom. Cleanse us from our impurities, o Righteous One. We weep over our desolate state. We are a city of mourning.

My heart falters, 
   fear makes me tremble; 
the twilight I longed for 
   has become a horror to me. Isaiah 21:4

The Lord, the LORD Almighty, 
   called you on that day 
to weep and to wail, 
   to tear out your hair and put on sackcloth. 
 But see, there is joy and revelry, 
   slaughtering of cattle and killing of sheep, 
   eating of meat and drinking of wine! 
“Let us eat and drink,” you say, 
   “for tomorrow we die!” Isaiah 22:12-13

See how the faithful city 
   has become a prostitute! 
She once was full of justice; 
   righteousness used to dwell in her— 
   but now murderers! 
 Your silver has become dross, 
   your choice wine is diluted with water. 
 Your rulers are rebels, 
   partners with thieves; 
they all love bribes 
   and chase after gifts. 
They do not defend the cause of the fatherless; 
   the widow’s case does not come before them. Isaiah 1:21-23

 Therefore I said, “Turn away from me; 
   let me weep bitterly. 
Do not try to console me 
   over the destruction of my people.” Isaiah 22:4

It seems as though my eyes have been opened to the reality of sin. It seems so hopeless, father, it seems like nothing can be completely good. Everything has a downside, everything is corrupted. Everything is pain. I know this is not what I was meant for. I know my soul belongs to a different kingdom, but I cannot wait. I cannot take it anymore. I want you so much. Every day brings more realizations of our desperate condition. I cannot bear to be apart from you any longer. Rescue me, father, rescue me. I need you.

The Coin

It just so happened that on February 21st at precisely 4:07pm and 24 seconds, a relatively unremarkable occurence took place. A little boy whittled a wooden coin.

The boy's mother praised his handiwork. However, aside from this, the coin was born in silence. The little boy's brow knit together as he studied the object of his labor. "It is good." He pronounced confidently, and lovingly tucked it into his pocket. As he continued on with the pressing business of play that all little boys are burdened with, he would often pull his coin out of his pocket to admire his precious creation.

One day, however, tragedy struck. When the boy was performing his ritual examination of the coin, it rolled off the tips of his fingers and into the dirt. Before he could even bend down to pick it up, the coin continued it's escape into the great expanse that is the backyard and quickly out of view.

You see, coins are very fickle things. They are not content to stay in one pocket, even if that pocket is quite spacious and mostly free of lint. They must always be travelling from one pocket to another, seeing the sights, smelling the smells, and feeling the feels.

In this respect, our coin was no different. It was not safety and stability it desired, it was excitement. Coins are like that. However, there was something the coin did not realize. It was not a shining penny freshly minted, it was a small chip of wood. And most people, who are not little boys, have no desire to carry pieces of wood around exchanging them for goods and services.

So the coin rolled and rolled through the grass, dirt and mud. It rolled and rolled into a crowded street getting stepped on, shuffled about, scratched up, and even licked by an enthusiastic terrier. No one picked it up, no one put it in their pocket, and no one loved it. According to this new world, wooden coins have no value.

Meanwhile, our little boy frantically searched for his coin. How could it desert him like that? Didn't it know how much he loved it? After scouring the backyard, he extended his search to the neighborhood, and then to the city. Nooks, crannies, highs, lows. The little boy looked everywhere for his precious coin.

Just as he was about to give up, the boy looked in the last lonely corner. Things are always in the last place one looks, you know. And to his great joy, the coin was there. Dirty, nicked, scarred and dejected but there.

The little boy scooped up his prodigal friend and ran back to his house where he promptly went to work. He washed and scrubbed, sanded and shaved. For at least 47 minutes (which, if converted to little boy time, is roughly equivalent to an eternity or twice a bajillion years?, our hero attended to his friend. 

At last, the coin emerged as smooth and clean as the day it was born. Something was still wrong, however. The coin's heart needed sanding and washing too. However glad it was to be back in the hands of its boy, a thought still nagged at him.

This thought left him so distraught that aloud he exclaimed (this is quite a feat as coins do not generally have vocal chords), "How can this boy love me? I am not valuable." Overhearing this declaration, the boy lovingly replied, "my dear, silly, little coin, you are quite mistaken. I do not love you because you are valuable, you are valuable because I love you."

There is nothing so beautiful as a boy and his coin.

THE END

Autumn

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssja-V5LgpI&p=5A5F8AE0F789EF48&playnext=1&index=27

I love fall at night. Walking on the path back to my apartment, I hear the wind coaxing leaves into speech as they skitter across the ground and whistle in the trees. It seems as though they are whispering to me. Telling me perhaps of what lies ahead on the path, maybe bemoaning their descent from the heights at which they were born, or singing the praises of the One who gave them birth. The crisp air does not yet bite at my exposed skin, but it nibbles at the end of my nose and pinches color from my cheeks.

I love the movement of fall. Everything is changing, everything is rushing forward. It is fluid, it is sweeping, it is tumbling. It excites me in way that I do not often comprehend.

On the other hand, I love the consistency of fall. Ever faithful, it chases the summer heat from earth and ushers in the bitter cold of winter. Every year, as the sun's visits grow shorter and shorter, it dutifully courses through the landscape painting color on everything it touches. Year after year after year it always comes to call. It is safe, it is consistent, it is comforting.

Hmm sounds like someone I know...

Defining Relationships

Something I have been observing lately , and that I have experienced in my own life is the tendency for women to define themselves by their relationships. Which is, I think, something that is very much a part of who we are females and as humans. The purpose of our very creation was for relationship with God and with Adam. So I think it is right and healthy for us to do so.

However, this view seems at first to be at odds with what I have observed. I have seen so many women define themselves by their relationships only to lose their own identities and get their hearts broken. I have done it too. I have put my identity so much in being a sister, daughter, and friend that when things weren’t going the best, my self-esteem was shot to pieces. I had no confidence in myself, and I felt so unbelievably unloved and lonely.

I also see this a lot in dating and even marriage relationships. I see people so wrapped up in their significant other that they cannot spend an hour without seeing them, calling them, texting them or talking to them. Yes, those relationships are extremely important, however when you start judging your worth by how they view you, it is not good. Because what happens when you go through a rough patch? What happens if you break up?

You are going to be completely broken. You will not know who you are, and you will find you have no other support system to help you through it because you have been so wrapped up in that person that you have excluded other people from your life.

I think that by doing this, you give them this power over you. You give them the ability to determine who you are. And no matter how good that person is or how much they try not to hurt you or disappoint you, they will. All humans are broken. Whether intentionally or not, everyone is going let you down in some way or another. Which sounds very harsh, depressing and pessimistic, but it’s true. If you put all of yourself into any human relationship you will be disappointed because we are all sinful.

However, there is a better way. And here comes the Sunday School answer. I think that we need to find our identity in our relationship with Christ. Which I’m sure you have heard before, but it is SO true and I don’t think we really get it a lot of times. I know there has been so many times when I haven’t.

I mean, he is always going to be there for you. No matter what you have done or what is going on in life, you always have his ear and his love. It doesn’t matter what affection you give or don’t give. It doesn’t matter what you have done for him or how much time you have spent together. He never lets you down or rejects you. He is never too busy or too tired.

You can never be completely loved except by him. I mean completely loved. Uncompromisingly. He doesn’t compare you or get distracted by others. He loves you wholly. He wraps his arms around you and whispers in your ear that you are valuable that you are worth it. He pursued you to the end of the earth and never gave up. He LOVES you. (Psalm 139)

All this is not to say, however, that you cannot trust people. I think that when you define yourself by how God sees you, you have the ability to trust people even more than before because you are secure in God’s constancy. You know that no matter what, He is going to take care of you. So you have the confidence to share yourself with others. You can show them your hurts, your joys, your dreams, and your passions. You can open yourself up in ways that are not possible without the love of Christ. Your relationships become so much more meaningful, intimate, and less full of drama. “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)

So here’s to you and God.

May your eyes be always set on him
May your mouth sing his praises
May your feet walk in his ways
May your hands never cease to do his work
May your heart belong entirely to him
Forever and always. Amen.

Love, Crumpet

Fifteen

My heart,

for fifteen years I have been yours. I thank you for all that you have given me. It is more than I can say. Here are a very few of the letters I have written to you this month. I hope you like them.

September 17, 2010
I am a woman of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the glory of the King. Woe to me. I am ruined.

September 21, 2010
Take my heart. I'm letting go of all my hurts and burdens. You who is stronger than death. Surely you can conquer my anxiety. So take them and let it be just you and me here now. Only you and me here now. Tonight is yours and mine. For you and me. Only.

September 28, 2010
Take all my stress and concerns and burdens away. I need you. Thank you, my kinsman-redeemer. You are amazing.

September 29, 2010
My God, I love you. On that beautiful scandalous night you took a poor, evil, broken woman and turned her into a princess of the highest order. You weren't supposed, and you didn't have to. But you did because you love me.

I can never be completely loved except by you. Uncompromisingly. You don't compare me or get distracted by others. You love me. Wholly. You wrap me in your arms and whisper in my ear that I am valuable. That I am worth it. That you pursued me to the end of the earth and never gave up. You love me.

October 2, 2010
I love you, my great Father. Comfort me, guide me and correct tomorrow and all my days. I love you. Amen.

Love, Ashley Bliss

More Faith and Romans 7=Awesome

A few things have been running through my head in the past couple days. First of all, it always amazes me that God seems to always be bringing up passages and lessons that I have been dealing with in so many different arenas. As my last entry talked about, I have been really learning about faith, and how to follow him with complete confidence and dedication.

Today in chapel, Christine Mutch talked about Hebrews 10 through 12 which are pretty much the faith chapters. It talks about how we should hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, it gives a ton of examples of faith being lived out, and encourages us to throw of everything that hinders in pursuit of Jesus Christ. So basically the exact thing I have been exploring lately. It was really hard to refrain from bursting out laughing when she began speaking about it. Yes, God I get the message.

I love how things always seem so muddled until you actually take the time and energy to listen. Then it seems so clear, and you feel like an idiot for not hearing it to begin with. Oh the joys of being humbled.

Anyway, last night at Evensong I was sort of taking a temperature of how my life is going, and I was extremely frustrated because my sin nature keeps getting the better of me. I try so hard to follow God and do what is right and live in a way that is pleasing to him, but I keep failing.

I hate how easy it is to parade God’s name while toting my own agenda. I hate how I can praise him with my mouth in chapel then walk out that door and use the same mouth to gossip or complain. I hate how I keep doing good things in the name of Jesus for completely selfish reasons. It’s so terrible because a lot of the time I don’t even realize what I’m doing until later. Grrrr.

Yeah, I realize that I can do nothing in my own strength. I know that it is Christ who gives me strength, but it is my job to depend on that. It is my job to use the strength he has given me, and I keep failing. It’s really good he’s so patient because I am probably really getting on his nerves with all of this.

The cool part though, is that in my Theories of Counseling class we had an assignment to compare and contrast Romans 7:14-25 with Psychoanalytic theory (that’s Freud for all you non-psych majors). And that passage is exactly what I needed. I think the best way to explain how amazing it is, is to just give you the scripture. So here it is.

14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God's law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Romans 7:14-25

So in conclusion, God is pretty much incredible. And now I have to go get ready for work (first day at Sabaoth this year woo!). So this is the awkward ending. The End.

Faith

Well, it has been awhile due camp, school, and general laziness. A lot has happened this summer so I am unfortunately forced to condense ridiculous amounts of God-being-awesome stories into something that isn’t a book. So, here goes.

I think if there were to be a theme of my life for the summer it would be faith. There were so many situations where I felt unbelievably inadequate, but I knew that was where God wanted me to be. So I had to step out in faith, and believe that he would use me despite the fact that I had no idea what I was doing.

I remember times when my girls would be completely broken, where they told me stories about how the world has beaten them down, and how they have to deal with these crazy hard situations that I cannot even imagine. I remember a few times where I held a girl weeping in my arms, and I had absolutely nothing to say. I had no idea what to do. I had this huge desire to give them something, to help them somehow, but never the knowledge to do so.

I think that is when God worked the most, though. I could practically see him with his own arms around them, whispering words of comfort in their ear. I know that through that brokenness, he planted something. Even just by the ends of the weeks, I got to see this beauty that completely shocked me. I got to see these kids, who everybody dismisses as children, worshiping with incredible sincerity, living with unbelievable passion, and serving God with deep humility.

On somewhat of a side note, I think that a lot of times we think of children and even teens as these little Christians-in-training. We say oh someday they will eventually grow up to be great Christians, and do not acknowledge that they can be great Christians in the present. It drives me crazy when people underestimated me like that (in fact, they still do). So it is so discouraging to see my campers and friends go through that as well.

People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:13-16

The truth is, God is working in and through them now. He is using them to impact people now. He is using them for his work now. We should, therefore, encourage them and equip them for it. We should give them opportunities to step up and speak the truth instead of demanding their silence while we do the real ministering. Yes, it is their roll to learn and be submissive to their elders, but that does not mean they cannot do extraordinary things for the kingdom of God right now. Ok, rant over.

I have also had the privilege of continuing my relationships with a few of campers. Although many of them have had to go through a lot of difficulty since then, God has really done some amazing things in their lives. I am in awe of how one week in God’s hands can change so much.

The biggest way God has been teaching me about faith is in regard to my future plans. He shook a lot of things up for me, and I have to admit it is scary. From the time I was a junior in high school, I thought for sure God was leading me to be a family counselor. It has always been a no question thing for me. I felt really inadequate about it, but I knew that was where he wanted me.

However, recently, I think he has been leading me in a different direction. There were a few things leading up to it, but for the most part it all began one night this summer walking back from chapel. I was thinking about how much I loved ministering to my girls at camp and at church. About how I loved living life with them, mourning for their pains, rejoicing in their triumphs, and helping to show them the intensity of God’s love for them. Then those two little words snuck into my head: what if.

What if that was my job? What if I got to do this all the time? What if God is calling me to some sort of ministry instead of an office with clients? I didn’t take it seriously at all at first, but it kept coming back in my thoughts, in circumstances and even in scripture. So I began to think and pray about it more. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just making this decision because of the camp high. I also wanted to make sure I wasn’t just hearing what I wanted to hear. So I decided I would wait to work everything through until I got home.

Upon coming home, coming back to school, and after a lot of processing, I have come to a few conclusions.
1. This whole thing may just be a cop-out because I’m scared to death of counseling, and this seems fractionally less frightening.
2. If I could do anything in the world, it would be my dream to work in either a church or a camp setting.
3. Either way, I am sticking with psychology as far as a major goes and I will probably get my master’s in counseling so I have some time to decide.

Having all this turned upside down on me is difficult, but whatever it is that God has for me, I want to follow with all my heart. If it requires a very uncomfortable time of uncertainty, I am ok with that. I know that if I step out in faith, he will take me somewhere extraordinary, and I don’t want to miss a bit of it. Abraham is pretty much my homeboy right now, so how about we pack up and head out into that desert.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. Hebrews 11:8

Memoirs of the Disillusioned

I wrote this story awhile ago actually, but I figured I would put it up here because its my favorite story that God has given me.


Oh to be loved! How I long for that experience: to be needed and desired, to be chased and to know without a doubt that I posses someone’s deepest affections. I long to be folded up in their arms and to know that I am safe. Embarking on a great adventure with a companion who will never fail me would be utterly wondrous. The things we would conquer! The heights we would reach! The depths we would explore and the love that would be forever ours.

No, I cannot afford to let myself indulge in such silly fantasies. For that is what they truly are, at least that is what I must tell myself. For someone in my position, I cannot even dare to hope for such a reality. Yet no matter how hard I try to push it away, no matter how hard I try to bury it beneath layers of callous, it always comes back. Wriggling its way into my heart and plunging its merciless roots into my very core.

Sometimes I can cover the pain at least for a while. Letting my mind slide into oblivion while another uses me for their own sick pleasure. It is reduced to a dull ache then, just a distant throbbing, Laborious and afflicting, yet to some extent livable.

Looking back on days gone by, I remember the ignorance into which I was born. If only I could return to those days and let myself be blind just a few moments longer. I still felt the pain then, yes, but I had hope of a sort. I thought I could free myself from its grasp, I thought I could climb out of the pit of longing I had inherited. So began my search. I began giving myself to others to see if they could fill my emptiness. My heart came first and my body followed. For a while, I felt I had the answer. Finally, the solution was within my grasp! However, as I would discover, I could never reach it. I could never trully be loved.

Selfishness was my first. It seems as though I have known him forever. As children, we would play and flirt; always tempting, but never commiting. As I grew, his promises of excitement and adventure became even more enticing. He told me I could be burdenless in my pursuit of enjoyment if I would just forsake the shackles others put on me with their needs and desires. After all, it was only mine that mattered.
I remember the day I finally gave in. I buried myself in the abandon of Selfishness. I pursued him with a singleminedness I had never known before. At first it was incredible. Everything I wanted I got, and in the high of the moment, I saw only beauty and wonder. However, afterward I would lay alone, my desires stronger than ever and never satisfied. Whenever I closed my eyes, they would come to torment me, and whenever I tried to slake that thirst, it would leave me even more empty and dejected than before. Peace had deserted me and freedom was never mine to begin with. It is somewhat ironic, I suppose. In my pursuit of freedom, I willingly gave myself over to bondage.

One night I confronted Selfishness. All those promises he had made, all those visions he had painted for me; they were all a lie. They were only a tool to entice me, and I was only a tool for his pleasure. That was the first night he took me against my will. I tried to fight at first. I scratched and clawed, I beat my fists against his back, I screamed for help that would never come. The first few times, I desperately tried to escape, but after awhile I gave up hope of ever getting away. I would just lay there while he used me. When he left, I would weep until my tears ran dry. It seemed as though my very heart was being wrenched from chest. Sorrow became my constant companion and loneliness my only reality.

That was when I met Guilt. At least he made me no promises; he gave me no false pretences. He told me I would never be happy with him, but that he would reward me handsomely for my services. At least with him I was willingly giving myself. Or so I thought at the time. After awhile I realized that I had no choice, not really.
I spent my days listless, and apathy was a word I was well acquainted with. At night I wallowed in the perverted comfort of Guilt. Indulging in his self-condemnation was somehow better than engaging the true state of things.

Hope was as foreign to me as apathy was familiar. What else was there for me? This pathetic life I had chosen held nothing more than pain. I had not the will to live and even less to die. Therefore, I decided not to think about it. I decided simply to ignore my despair. If I never faced it, it could never conquer me, right?

Despite my difficulties, I found a small measure of alleviation from the material benefits of my arrangement with Guilt, and I quickly learned that others were willing to offer me the same. Jealousy and Laziness were my first customers. Hatred, Gossip and many others soon followed.

After awhile I became wealthy enough to choose my patrons, which allowed me some level of autonomy, but in reality, nothing had changed. I was still a slave. Master though I was at deceiving myself, I could not fool myself into thinking I was anything different. I had fallen to a depth out of which I had no hope of climbing. As much as I tried to deny that fact, I would one day have to face it.

That day came swiftly. For so long I had been fighting against desperation, holding it at bay only to delay the inevitable. This hopelessness was much stronger than I was and I could no longer fight it. How terrible was that hour! When misery’s icy fingers fixed its grip on my heart. I felt as though I was suffocating from the utter desolation of my condition. I had nothing; nothing to live for and certainly nothing to hope for.

For what is life without love? What other purpose could my existence possibly have than to love? Yet I had none and worse I was not worthy of it. I was not worthy to possess affection or even to give it. I could hear agony threatening to overtake me.
So I ran. I ran as fast and as far as my body would carry me if only to escape my fate for a few more moments. I saw nothing, heard nothing, knew nothing except that I had to run. A fear more terrible than anything I could have imagined raked through me.

Finally, though, I could run no more. My last coherent thought was that I found myself in a desert with nothing but barrenness from one horizon to the other. How fitting a landscape for my deserted soul.

Then anguish beat down upon me. I tore my clothes in desperation and collapsed upon the sand. On my knees, naked, and weeping with every breath I had left in me, I faced a great unspeakable horror.

I saw myself. I saw who I truly was; a wretched, pitiful, despicable being. Curse the merciless sun that revealed every blemish, every stain, and every rotten and decaying lesion that scarred me! I screamed and cried until my throat burned with exertion. I pleaded for death to take me.

Death, however, already had me. I was foolish to think that I ever was alive. I had been living a perpetual death from the day I first drew breath. I did not even know what life was.

It was then, in that moment when I was conquered by all the miseries I had tried so desperately to avoid, that I noticed a shadow sweep over me. Prepared for some new torture, I lifted my tearstained eyes to the source of that shadow. What I saw was a sight beyond imagining. The face of Love himself stared back at me. Of course, I had never met him, but I knew him. That face was more beautiful than even the choicest of the jewels my unfaithfulness had bought me.

Remembering my lewdness, I began to tremble. I was not worthy to have his gaze upon me. How could he even bear to look at me? Then to my shock, he bent down and lifted my chin. My eyes met his and I began to weep anew at the glorious sight of that gaze. I felt as though in that one look he saw all of who I was, all of what I had done. Yet he was not disgusted or repulsed as I would have expected. Instead, he took my shaking body into his arms and spoke tenderly to me.

His words moved my soul as though it was made to hear them. His voice penetrated to the deep layers of my heart, cutting through the callous and rooting out the seeds of wickedness that had for so long made their home there. He told me from then on he would take me as his betrothed, he would clothe me in robes of glory, he would satisfy my hungry soul, and best of all he would love me.

If a thousand pens were to undertake a description of the joy that I felt at that moment they would produce but a shadow of the original. Therefore, I shall not even attempt it. I must content myself simply to say that his love was life to me, and his love endures forever.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.”
Hosea 2:14-15

The Unfading Beauty of a Gentle and Quiet Spirit

I am currently traveling on my way to Sky Lodge Camp in Wisconsin, and I figured what better thing to do with my six hours than catch up on a bit of blogging. The past two weeks I have been working at Bair Lake Bible Camp in Jones, and I have already learned a few things.

First of all, I am unbelievably impressed with the conflict management skills the people working on Senior Staff have exhibited. Yes, we get frustrated and things do not always go smoothly, but we always talk things out and get them resolved quickly. Which is an extremely rare thing in this world. It is a great learning experience for me as a future counselor to see what good communication skills look like.

Another thing I value about our staff is that all of the woman possess a lot of integrity. They don’t cause drama, they don’t flirt with every guy they see, they treat each other with the same respect and dignity they command. They are truly what a beautiful woman looks like. I am so excited to get to know them, and to learn from them.

I also appreciate the way the men treat us women. They really do treat us as sisters in Christ. They respect us and look out for us without regarding us as helpless females. I don’t think I have ever been treated so well by men of my age in my life. Keep it up, gentlemen!

Along the same lines I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be a woman of God lately. Seeing the examples of the senior and full time staff women has been really encouraging. I have always loved the stories of the great women of Bible. I must have read Esther and Ruth like a bazillion times since I learned to read. So I have some head knowledge about what it means to be a woman of God, but now I am discovering the practical application of all that.


One of my favorite passages as of late is 1 Peter 3:1-6. which says:
Wives, in the same way be submissive to you husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment , such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

We are daughters of the Almighty King, we have been rescued by the blood of the Prince of Prince, we are a reflection of God’s glory. Should we not act in a manner befitting our position? Physical beauty means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It is our inner selves that matter. It is a woman who gives to the needy, who loves the unlovable, who embodies dignity and respect that will leave a legacy, be remembered, and be regarded as beautiful in God’s eyes.

I desire so much to be that woman. I want to live a life of unmarred purity. The day I finally meet the lover of my soul, I want him to say to me, “well done, good and faithful servant.” I want to be able to show people God’s unrelenting love in my every action. That they may be won over when they see the purity and reverence of my life.

Therefore, let us do just that, ladies. Let us face our future confident in who we are, not giving way to fear. May we exemplify the lives of the holy women of the past. May we pursue righteousness. Finally, may we leave a legacy that will reach for generations.

Love, Crumpet

So I was in a tree today supposedly reading a book (I was really being distracted by thinking), when I saw a spider (which was not a true spider because it only had one body segment, it also wasn’t a daddy long leg as Rosie and I determined when we saw the spider not-spider earlier, but we’ll just call it a spider). And this spider reminded me of a thought that I started working through in my head a few weeks ago. So while I was not reading, I worked on it a little bit more, and I am super excited about it.

Speaking of Distractions...


Here is what I started with. This is a journal entry from awhile ago:

Sitting at my own little table in the café of a grocery store, I am strangely content. The soft murmur of voices, the cheesy sax playing over the radio, and the sound of carts wheeling by carrying their various burdens, is somehow comforting. I feel alone yet connected at the same time. I feel independent yet I also feel the responsibility to my brothers and sisters spending their Saturday afternoon grocery shopping.

A little boy excitedly relates a story to his father a few tables away and I cannot help but smile. The past few days I have been spending my time talking on my laptop, watching the latest shows on tv, playing the latest video games on my brothers’ game console, and eating as much as I want. But never once was I truly happy with all that. Not like am now simply reveling in the beauty of human connection. God, how infinite are the complexities and simplicities of your nature! I see them so beautifully reflected here. I cannot wait to discover them in full one day.

So, I was thinking about the connections that humans have with one another, and I think a good picture to use would be a spider web. Each person is a vertex and interactions are the threads. Some threads are stronger than others. The one you have with your best friend is much thicker than one you might have with the girl at the checkout counter in the grocery store. However, you are still connected with the girl at the grocery store. If only for a few precious minutes, you are connected to her.

Now, when something lands on the web, every vertex can feel the vibration. It is something that shakes everyone and can be felt through every connection (which is how the spider can tell there’s a fly there, but that has nothing to do with anything so let’s just continue). Of course, weaker connections may not feel as strongly, and they may break under the pressure. However, they are still affected and that can change everything.

The first thing that I like about this thought is just a sense of belongingness that I feel which is so beautiful to me it brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know how it is for everyone else, but knowing that I am really a part of something is unbelievably wonderful.

The second thing that comes to mind is, what if we think of the gospel as a fly that lands on the web (ha ha that is really funny for some reason). But this fly is like the biggest and most important fly in the history of the universe. Shouldn’t that vibration be carried to every single vertex no matter how far away it is? If this really is the most important thing in our lives, should not we as Christian carry that vibration to every connection? Yes, some will be strained, some will break, but they WILL be affected. And isn’t that worth it? Isn’t that worth stepping out of your comfort zone once in awhile and striking up a conversation with that checkout girl, and telling her the wonderful news?

So, in light of this, I say let us build up our threads and let us carry this vibration to the ends of the earth. Let us not be “…ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.” (Romans 1:16)

Love, Crumpet

p.s. so after reading this again I realized that if the gospel is a fly than it gets eaten by a spider. Oh well, its not a perfect analogy.

All the Single Ladies... and Gentlemen

I am so excited about what God has been teaching me lately, and I think that a lot of other people might be able to benefit from it. Therefore, I have decided to relate this part of my journey . God has really been after me with this whole singleness thing (dun dun dun). Goodness knows I have been back and forth with it in my mind for ages, but I think God has been bringing me to something really cool. I do want to say that I know a lot of people have very different views on this than I do, and even what I write here will probably shift as I gain more experience, but here are my thoughts so far.

Most recently, I have decided that the term “single” bothers me a lot, although I have been wearing it as a sort of badge of honor lately. Anyway, I think it is extremely misleading because I am not alone or solitary. Whenever I hear that term I think of those individually wrapped candy bars that look so lonely in their little boxes at the checkout of the grocery store. My position is, in fact, completely opposite. Especially as a Christian, I am a part of a rich community that loves and supports me. I am surrounded by friends and family that care for me more than I know, and most importantly God loves me more than anyone ever will. Despite how I feel sometimes, I am an integral part of the body, and as such I can never really be alone.

On the other hand, as I said earlier, I have been regarding those six little letters on the left side of my Facebook page as a badge of honor. I feel as though I am finally coming to a place where I am secure in the life God has blessed me with, and even excited to see what He has for me in my singleness. I am in a unique place right now where I can focus all of my energy on the kingdom. I have the opportunity to do incredible things for Christ, and I fully intend to take hold of it. 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 says it best in my opinion:

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.


I am also proud of my singleness for another reason. There is this worldview out there (and no this is not just a non-Christian issue) that says that if you are single for too long, you will never meet somebody. So the result is, people end up dating person after person. They endure heart break after heart break in order to find “the one.”

However I don’t think that is necessary. First of all, I am only looking for one person. I don’t need to flirt with and date lots of guys because I only want one. I am not saying, however, that people should necessarily settle for the first person they date (although it makes me smile to see people get it the first time out). I am saying that it is good to be very careful and picky with whom you date. I think that you can get to know most people well enough to know that things would work or not without dating them.

I think that maybe a good idea is to go on dates without necessarily dating. This way, things are really low pressure. You can get to know each other a little better without getting super emotionally involved or feeling like you are stuck. (Again, I cannot claim to be any sort of expert on dating, but this just makes the most sense to me right now.)

Alright, now back to an area I know better, and the actual topic of all this. I am happy being single. Of course I am unbelievably excited to see who God has for me, but in the meantime I am going to make the most of today. If something comes along, then we’ll see how it goes, but right now I am in no hurry. I am not going to worry about it or pursue it. I am simply going to seek God’s will, because…

…I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 Alright! <-That’s for you, Kelly ;).

Love, Crumpet

Talk About It

I think the biggest thing that bothers me about most churches is their unwillingness to face things that are less than perfect. I think we all have this misconception that Christians have to be perfect. We think that we are not allowed to make mistakes and bad choices and still be a Christian. So instead of encouraging each other to overcome our sinful nature we end up creating this critical, unforgiving and high pressure environment that only serves to encourage their hopelessness.

It breaks my heart to see people I love struggle in their faith, make a bad decision, and be sort of shunned and black listed by people at church, the very people they need love and acceptance from. The issue is entirely ignored as are they themselves, and no one is there to name the problem and work through it. Then they turn to people who will give them attention. People who will accept them. Unfortunately, those people are usual those who will encourage them in their sin instead of in grace.

I am not saying that we should accept or condone sin, we have a responsibility to rebuke and correct. 1 Timothy 4:2-3 (quoted below) pretty clearly states that.

Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.

There are a lot of churches that are extremely good at accepting people. However, they miss the sound doctrine part. They instead tell people only what they want to hear in order to make them feel good, but then nothing changes. They continue in their mistakes. Real change, as this verse says, requires facing the truth. It requires telling people that what they are doing is not right. That it is not good and pleasing to God.

However, this truth must be spoken in love and patience. This requires a lot of skill as I have been learning recently. We have to be strong and firm, but at the same time gentle and infinitely loving. That, brothers and sisters, is how to reach people.

So please, let us stop ignoring issues, stop accepting issues, stop condemning people, and stop holding this standard of perfection that none of us can reach. Let us instead focus on how we can speak God's love and grace. Let us recognize our sinful nature yet in spite of that pursue purity, truth, and righteousness. Most of all let us "...encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13

Love, Ashley

Observations

This being summer and me having no job has given me a lot of time to think, observe, and reflect. So here are a few things I've noticed.

First of all, I have learned that being productive as most people view productivity is not as all important as we seem to think. Sometimes it is far more beneficial to just sit somewhere without doing anything. No work, no entertainment, no talking, no texting, and no distractions. Just sit. It helps you wind down and simply revel in life.

I have to say, it is an eye opening experience. You see things when you aren't distracted. You see the good in life and you see the bad. You see the incredible beauty and wonder of God's hand working. And you begin to understand what is really important and what isn't.

Another thing I have been thinking about is working with teenagers. I have been helping out with the youth group a lot since I have been home so that has set my mind on the best way to minister to them. Maybe this is stating the obvious, but I think the most important thing is building a relationship. Throughout my time in different youth groups and other teenage-directed activities I have seen that a lot of them did not have that focus. A lot of them treated us like criminals, or babies, or brains that need to be stuffed with knowledge.

Needless to say none of that did me any good, and I don't remember anything they tried to teach me. The ones I do remember, however, are those who showed that they really cared about me. They treated me like an equal. They gave me trust, and love, and an example of what a relationship with Christ would look like. Those are the people I claim as my mentors and role models. I owe a lot of who I am today to what they taught me, and I pray that I can do the same for others.

Well, I think that is going to be all for today. Here is a verse that I found in devotions this week that I really love.

Revelation 3:12
Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name. <-He loves me so much he is going to give me his name! I think that is so beautiful.

love, Ashley

Well, its a start.

Here is something that I am starting on. I am hoping to expand it a lot more. I think it will end up a little similar to one of my other stories, Memoirs of the Disillusioned in regards to its allegorish-like feel. This paragraph came out of a prayer one night, and I am really excited about it.

I was a slave masquerading as the master. Now you bring me before you to make an account for what I have done. I know the sentence that will be upon my head before long. Death. Death. Death. Death. Ah, I can hear it echo already. “Death.” Now it is real. Rough hands grab my shoulders and force my cheek down against the splintering wood of the block. I see the menacing glint of metal and feel the air give way as the ax slices through it. Next, all I see are lifeless eyes staring back at me. Not my eyes. Not my face. Not my blood.

Feedback is appreciated.

Love, Crumpet

Mentoring

Next year I am going to be a peer mentor at school. Which is basically just me mentoring a couple of underclassmen. Therefore I have been thinking a lot about mentoring, its effectiveness, what makes a good mentor, and what makes a bad one. I just started reading a book given to me for this position called LifeGiving Mentors by Tim Elmore that has been in my thoughts as well.

To be honest, I am scared to death. Personally, I do not think I am mature enough, wise enough, godly enough, or even old enough to be in a position like this (no matter what my ego tries to tell me). I mean, these people are going to trust me to give them wise counsel, a different perspective, and someone to be there for them, and I feel so inadequate. In spite of my failings, though, I know God will work through me. He has me here for a reason.

Something that God has been reminding me of both in these doubts and doubts about my future profession is that he uses the least likely people to do extraordinary things. The example of Mary especially comes to mind. She was just a girl, even younger than I am, from a small town and the smallest of tribes. There was nothing super special about her, but holy crap God chose her to bear his son. Yeah, you know the guy who is going to rule over everything in existence? She was chosen to be his mom. Ridiculous, I know. So, I figure if God did all that with a little girl from Bethlehem, he can certainly do something with a little girl from Niles.

Another thing that I am a little worried about going into mentoring, is that I will go into with the wrong mindset. I'm afraid that I am going to go into this trying to impress people rather than trying to let God work through me. Right now I sound all rational and humble, but trust me, my pride gets the better of me more times than I would like. But I'm praying about it, and I know God's got my back so I am not completely freaking out about it.

Man, am I glad I don't have to worry about stuff. Of course, I occasionally do (and by occasionally I mean a lot), but my God is bigger than all my fears and anxieties. Boo freakin' ya.

love, Crumpet

P.S. I have a lot more to say about mentoring, but I figured that was enough for one day.

Perspective: Not Just Something I Learned in Art Class

As this is the beginning of both this blog and my summer, I figure it's time for a little perspective finding. And there is nothing better for perspective than going back to the foundations of my life and faith, and really laying out what I am all about. There are a lot of incredible things that I love about the tradition I grew up in, but I find it so easy to fall into legalistic thinking if I am not careful in reminding myself what I am living for. So here goes.

In my devotions, I have been working through the New Testament (minus the gospels, they are coming next), and right now I am in 1 John. What really got me thinking about all this was chapter 5 verses 1-5 as well as some other passages in 1st and 2nd John that go along the same lines. What I've discovered is pretty confusing and complicated if you let it be, but it is also very simple.

First, I am going to start with the complicated way of looking at this. Forgive me if my logic is flawed, if I'm missing something, or my model doesn't quite work. This is sort of a work in progress.

First of all, 1 John 5:1 says that everyone who believes Jesus is the Christ is a child of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves his children. Verse 2 then goes on to say that we love God's children by loving him and obeying his commands. Love for God is obeying his commands (1 John 5:2 and 2 John 6). God commands that we walk in love (2 John 6). The only way we can love is because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). God showed his love by sending his so that we could live through the sun (1 John 4: 9) Since God loves us, we are called to love others (1 John 4:11) Everyone who loves has been born of God because God is love (1 John 4:7-8)

(For those of you who prefer charts and stuff, here is my gift to you.)



So basically, we love God by loving others and we love others by loving God. I've been following that one around in circles in my head for awhile.

Okay now for the simple version. I have quite thankfully found some verses that explain it all. On a side note, God is pretty freakin' awesome the way he can say something that is so complicated and so intricate, but also so simple at the same time. Its Absolutely beautiful and I might add genius as well, but I guess he has to smart since he's God. Anyway, rabbit trail officially over. Here are the verses I was talking about.

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
Mark 12:29-31

So there you have it. Love God and love others. That is what the aim of my life is, that is what I want every single action and thought to reflect. It is as simple and complicated as that. Of course we could get into all the nuances of what it means to love God and love others, but let's just leave it here. Let's just bask in the beauty this simplicity, and leave behind loopholes and technicalities. The important thing to ask myself is whether or not what I am doing is loving God and loving others. If not, then I don't need it and I don't want it.

Love, Crumpet

Mission Statement ready, GO!

I'm sitting here watching some Muppets in Space, (My man Gonzo->), as I write my first blog post. So here's the deal, I have decided to start this blog for the summer and possibly for longer for a few reasons.

1. To prevent the inevitable laziness and brain mush of the summer.
2. To focus my thoughts.
3. To tell people what God is doing in my life.
4. To practice my writing

When I first had the idea to do a blog this summer I thought, "Heck yes, I am going to start a blog, and post every day of the summer. Woo!" Then I remembered that I am me and I don't exactly have the best track record for doing things like this every day. So instead I decided a better goal would be 2-3 times a week.

Here is to this summer, then. I am hoping it will be an exciting journey, and I am excited to see what God has for me.

Love, Crumpet

P.S. This video is amazing -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ur0OMTHKRKk