It's one of those nights where I feel contemplative and I feel like I need to write something, but I don't really have a focus or even a reason for writing. I love these times. They are hard most of the time, but so good. This is when everything tries to assemble itself into some sense. You see things, the whole of them, not just the view you get when you are in the moment, but sort of a bird's eye view on your life. Which oftentimes is not a pleasant experience. You see all that you have done wrong. You feel everything you have been trying to avoid feeling. But the thing is, that is when you work through them.
Right now the state of my contemplation is this overall confusion. It seems as though there is a tug of war going on in a lot of areas in my life. Usually I can make sense of things like this, but for some reason I cannot right now. I am usually very good at seeing what is right and what is simply my desire and usually it is a case of whether or not I want to do what is right, but right now I don't know. There are no clear cut answers for the problems I am facing (well there aren't any I can see), neither side is wrong or necessarily unwise. I just need some direction. I have never felt this aimless before. I have always had a goal for my future. I have always known or thought I'd known what it is God has for me. So it is completely terrifying to not know now. I don't think it has really hit me before. My future life has seemed so far away, but now it is so close. I have choices that need to be made very soon, and I don't know how to make them.
And sometimes I put on this face. I talk about how I'm at peace with it because I know God will lead me, but I am not at peace at all. The only "peace" I have experienced is that I have just ignored really thinking about it. God, what do you want for me? I want to know so badly.
My head keeps telling me to stop being scared because I know you will take care of me, but my heart isn't listening. God, I am so confused. Every path that I could take has these obstacles. Should I strive to overcome them or should I look for the one that seems most open thinking that is your providence? Or maybe that is just the easiest way out. I have this passion in my heart, but is it your guidance or only my emotions? And what does that passion even mean? Is my interpretation of that passion true?
My past experiences and heartaches seem to point in one direction, but is that only sticking with what I know, with what is comfortable? Or is it your hand using my story to guide me to what you want? All of the people I trust have given me different answers. God, only you can show me what you want. So please do. This is me confessing my ineptitude at running my own life. As much as I love being independent, and as much as my culture tells me that that is a virtue worthy to be praised and pursued, I can't go my own way. I need you. So God take it, take all of me and please do something with it. And please show me what that something is, and show me how to get there.
Now I feel like this spoiled little kid who demands things she has no right to demand. I mean, who am I that I ask to know the plans of God? Who am I to be so impatient? But then again ask and you will be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. I don't even know if I should feel the way I feel. But I know that you love me, and that the worst you will do is say no. I do not fear revenge at your hand for being impatient or impertinent if that is what I truly am. You may give me correction which may not be pleasant, but I welcome it because I know that you love me and I know that is guidance.
So I guess the conclusion of all this mess is simply that I ask you to guide me one way or another. Sometimes I hate that I have to trust you so much, but I guess I love it too because I know its good for me. Its basically like eating vegetables. And I digress. So, I love you, my heart. And I hope this is goodnight because I am very tired.
Love, Ashley
